Usually when you think of a temper tantrum, you think of a child and a parent. Usually the child is trying to get their way in some regard. However, I'm referring to the ultimate (last) temper tantrum in life you throw although you won't be around to witness the outcome. This ultimate temper tantrum is SUICIDE.
This year two people that I knew committed suicide. One actually happened today which sparked the blog post. The guy today was over 30, leaves behind a wife, kids and a loving congregation. The other was a seventeen year old handsome senior in highschool, leaving behind a family, friends, and a future.
I think that initially when a suicide occurs, the first thought is 'why'. Why would someone end their own life. The next thought is 'what if'. What if I would have talked to this person, spent more time with them, listened to them, forgave them.
I think that suicide has crossed everyone's mind at one point in time. Whether you thought about doing it and immediately thought the whole act was stupid or know someone who know's someone that did it. I know you're reading this blog like thinking to yourself 'I haven't NEVER thought about it'. Well since this is my blog I'll be the first to keep it 100 on the topic of suicide.
As a pre-teen, I thought about suicide on a regular in regard to one circumstance. My mom was in an abusive relationship and I couldn't understand why she didn't get out and why no one made her get out (keep in mind I was young and had no idea why my grandma couldn't just make her leave). I would say that I was very depressed, I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone. I felt invisible. What I said didn't matter. In everyone else's eye's I was a child and my moma was an adult, free to do whatever she pleased. In retrospect, being disrespectful/talking back became my defense mechanism. I would wake up for school with blood-red eyes from crying the previous night away. I would never get in trouble at school but I had a hard time at home. I thought about how I'd do, it most likely pills, cause I really couldn't bear the pain of a slit wrist (although it did cross my mind). I thought about it sooo much in detail that I wrote in my diary that I'd leave my cousin KK my barbies. I have no clue what brought me out of that dark place and into the light but I'm so glad that it did or I wouldn't be typing this.
The strongest risk factor for suicide is depression. I personally think that sometimes depression is the silent killer of 'the black family'. If not depression directly and indirect result of depression. For years and years (think slavery) we've been taught to endure and deal with life's roller-coaster ride. I think back and if only I had someone to talk to that wouldn't judge me for the true feelings I felt and allowed me to express myself completely; I wouldn't have been in my depressive state for as long as I was.
I've heard people talk about 'so in so said they need to find themselves' and without two seconds of thought, judge the person as if their feelings were never valid, just something made up. Sometimes the judgement from others on a situation, which resulted from depression or indirect depression is what pushes people over the edge. That's exactly when the Ultimate Temper Tantrum occurs.
Suicide is like the person in the argument that has to have the last word, its the player that say's checkmate, its selfish as well as disrespectful. The family and friends are the one's left to pick up the pieces, bear the burdens and blame, leaving you to wonder 'why' and 'what if'. To me suicide hurts other people more than it hurts the person that actually committed it. It is the biggest F U that someone can't say!!!
In my adult life I have been through numerous heartaches... things that I thought would shake me to my core. But the religious side of me acknowledges that there is someone who let's me cast all of my cares upon him. He allows me to pour my heart out, free of judgement and ridicule.
If you are someone and you're thinking, considering, actually about to perform the ultimate temper tantrum, I ask you to look back and see that this isn't the first time you've had a situation you couldn't get out. Look back and see that no matter how bad the past was, the future can and will be sooo much better if you give it a try and work through whatever it is you're dealing with.
