A Fractured Puzzle

I know I usually don't get too deep into my personal relationship per se. But the chapter in my book with Mr. Coconut has closed. I can't lie my feelings are super hurt but it's definitely no where close to any of the harder things I've faced and yet to face in life.

It's only been a couple of days since its happened and I totally beat myself up over the situation. Questioning and analyzing over and over what I did wrong. I've wasted enough time wondering what he's thinking and waiting for my phone to ring. I mean we just had a good V-day celebration (or so I thought).  Truth is, its not about me. Sure I played a part, but the pieces we both played with, did not complete the puzzle. This is actually the first day that I haven't used the excuse that my 'allergies' are acting up. By tomorrow, I'll be over the tears and happy that I only wasted months and not years. My best friend asked 'Did you learn a lesson' well yes I did. First I'm only dating americans with american parents (jk I kid I kid). The lesson that I learned is that I can give my all in a relationship. Meaning that I can love/like unselfishly, and put the the other persons needs before mine. Some can't say that. I also have no issues with communicating wth my mate, however, when they shut down its safe to say that the course has been run.

I honestly had a feeling something wasn't right for the past 2 weeks and tried to discuss it, but hey, his mind was made up. The biggest lesson in this is knowing exactly what I do and don't want. Just as a reminder and to keep me from being EMO in days to come, I'll list a few I need that were missing:

*I need a mate who accepts me for me, Flaws and All
*I need a mate that doesn't run at the first sign of an issue
*I need a mate that knows the difference in having a discussion and having an argument
*I need a mate that may not be into my hobbies, but since they're into me, they're supportive
*I need a mate that has a relationship with God, and can pray for me as well as us
*I need a mate that understands the no judgement zone

All wasn't bad with Mr. Coconut he had a few qualities that I'd like my next beau to have and the main one was a No Deal attitude in regard to cheating. I knew upfront that if that were the case, it would certainly end with no second chances. I have had relationships where I stayed with a cheater and didn't value myself. But because I saw Mr. Coconuts value in himself, it taught me to have that same attitude.

Please know that I definitely won't be rushing into another relationship. I'm going to fine tune the one I already have with God. He sets the standard. His love comes with no risks of betrayel, its readily available at anytime. It is also not based on feelings or emotions but on a commitment to His word. His love NEVER fails. His love is the pattern from which human love is based. The more we duplicate it, the more we resemble Him (click here).

I am sooo lucky to have ride or die friends that listened to my many sobs and cries and told me that he wasn't worth it (and all the other stuff I needed to hear). One of my friends even asked if I wanted her to flatten his tires (lol, I did not oblige). I really thank all of them!!!

Although I'm hurting now, this too will pass. Remember: Love is patient, love is kind. Simply put, Love suffers long, and puts up with people that it is easy to give up on.

Shake It Like a Polaroid Picture...

I just automatically thought that earthquakes didn't happen on the east coast. I know we have a hell of a lot of tornado's, after effects of hurricanes, and floods but never have I experienced a earthquake. So as I was sitting at my desk joking with my coworkers our chairs started to vibrate and we joked like who the heck is running down the hall shaking our chairs. About 3 seconds later the shakes became more violent. I mean we were really moving and things were falling. My co-workers in our large break room said that the tables were sliding.  As I stated earlier I had never experienced an earthquake, until then. Lets just say I too started shaking profusely. One of my co-workers that has experienced an earthquake got her purse and and headed out followed by another. As I turn and looked, everyone was shouting its an earthquake and the only ones left on my team was my manager and I. We were both standing there like what do we do and then she says lets get out of here so I grab my purse and realize that I brought my journal (ya know, to let work, work for me) so you know I had to grab that!!! By this time we meet up with our safety leader for fire evacuations and she says that we shouldn't leave. After about 2 minutes our VP comes by and says to get out. As we are outside everyone is trying to text and call their family members/loved ones. Lets just say nothing worked. Now mind you this earthquake was nothing in comparison to the earthquake in Japan. However, at that moment I knew what it felt like to not be able to get in contact with anyone to let people know that you were alright and make sure that they are alright. However, Twitter was that ram in the bush for a lot of people (including ya girl, follow me @akakristin). For a while I was able to receive incoming but couldn't make any outgoing. Luckily my phone was working when my part time job called to inform me that my boss had decided to close up shop for the rest of the day!!! In a perfect world, work would have been dismissed early at my full-time job too, however that didn't happen.

After actually finding out that it was indeed an earthquake (as if). I went into geek mode and also learned that it measured a 5.8 on the rictor scale, with the epicenter in Mineral, Va. From researching further,  I learned that anything over a 4.0 earthquake can be felt. I mean in comparison to the earthquake in Japan this was about half the size of that (somewhat, of course we know that was on another level). There were reports that there has been 3 aftershocks since the initial earthquake. The last aftershock, a little after 8 measured a little over a 4.0. After watching the news tonight this earthquake was felt in several parts of the east coast. I heard that NY, MD, NC, GA, MA, and even Canada felt the ground shake. There was structural damage in parts of Alexandria, with 3 smashed cars from the bricks falling. There are also people in parts of Md. that are homeless tonight due to structural damage/shifting not allowing them in their own homes. Even the Washington monument sustained cracks. So far I haven't heard of any casualties (thank God).  What I learned from today's earthquake is that God is still in control. He is able to do things that we deem impossible. And today he showed us by shaking things up a bit, literally.

Well another item to scratch off on the list of things-I've-never-done... survive an earthquake. Did any of you have any earthquake experiences?

The Ultimate Temper Tantrum You'll Never Witness

Usually when you think of a temper tantrum, you think of a child and a parent. Usually the child is trying to get their way in some regard. However, I'm referring to the ultimate (last) temper tantrum in life you throw although you won't be around to witness the outcome. This ultimate temper tantrum is SUICIDE.

This year two people that I knew committed suicide. One actually happened today which sparked the blog post. The guy today was over 30, leaves behind a wife, kids and a loving congregation. The other was a seventeen year old handsome senior in highschool, leaving behind a family, friends, and a future.

I think that initially when a suicide occurs, the first thought is 'why'. Why would someone end their own life. The next thought is 'what if'. What if I would have talked to this person, spent more time with them, listened to them, forgave them.

I think that suicide has crossed everyone's mind at one point in time. Whether you thought about doing it and immediately thought the whole act was stupid or know someone who know's someone that did it. I know you're reading this blog like thinking to yourself 'I haven't NEVER thought about it'. Well since this is my blog I'll be the first to keep it 100 on the topic of suicide.

As a pre-teen, I thought about suicide on a regular in regard to one circumstance. My mom was in an abusive relationship and I couldn't understand why she didn't get out and why no one made her get out (keep in mind I was young and had no idea why my grandma couldn't just make her leave). I would say that I was very depressed, I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone. I felt invisible. What I said didn't matter. In everyone else's eye's I was a child and my moma was an adult, free to do whatever she pleased. In retrospect, being disrespectful/talking back became my defense mechanism. I would wake up for school with blood-red eyes from crying the previous night away. I would never get in trouble at school but I had a hard time at home. I thought about how I'd do, it most likely pills, cause I really couldn't bear the pain of a slit wrist (although it did cross my mind). I thought about it sooo much in detail that I wrote in my diary that I'd leave my cousin KK my barbies. I have no clue what brought me out of that dark place and into the light but I'm so glad that it did or I wouldn't be typing this.

The strongest risk factor for suicide is depression. I personally think that sometimes depression is the silent killer of 'the black family'. If not depression directly and indirect result of depression. For years and years (think slavery) we've been taught to endure and deal with life's roller-coaster ride. I think back and if only I had someone to talk to that wouldn't judge me for the true feelings I felt and allowed me to express myself completely; I wouldn't have been in my depressive state for as long as I was.

I've heard people talk about 'so in so said they need to find themselves' and without two seconds of thought, judge the person as if their feelings were never valid, just something made up. Sometimes the judgement from others on a situation, which resulted from depression or indirect depression is what pushes people over the edge. That's exactly when the Ultimate Temper Tantrum occurs.

Suicide is like the person in the argument that has to have the last word, its the player that say's checkmate, its selfish as well as disrespectful. The family and friends are the one's left to pick up the pieces, bear the burdens and blame, leaving you to wonder 'why' and 'what if'. To me suicide hurts other people more than it hurts the person that actually committed it. It is the biggest F U that someone can't say!!!

In my adult life I have been through numerous heartaches... things that I thought would shake me to my core. But the religious side of me acknowledges that there is someone who let's me cast all of my cares upon him. He allows me to pour my heart out, free of judgement and ridicule.

If you are someone and you're thinking, considering, actually about to perform the ultimate temper tantrum, I ask you to look back and see that this isn't the first time you've had a situation you couldn't get out. Look back and see that no matter how bad the past was, the future can and will be sooo much better if you give it a try and work through whatever it is you're dealing with.

If you are in a suicide crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline1-800-273-8255