Sunday, February 13, 2011

I'll Always Love My Mama

5 years ago I lost my mama to a car accident. I wrote about my mom on my blog in 2008, however 5 years marks a huge milestone. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her or wish that she was here with me. Over the past 5 years I truly know the meaning of feeling like a 'motherless child'. There are times when I want to talk to her about nothing, just random days while I'm sitting in traffic. There are also days when I need to have her support and be my #1 cheerleader.

Her death kind of numbed me in a sense. I have a lot of sparks inside but it definitely took a piece away. I remember getting wearing makeup each day so I wouldn't cry (didn't want to mess it up #vain). I know that I pushed a lot of people away but it was/is sooo much to handle. I developed major anger issues, major. The best advice given to me (that I wasn't open to receive) was to take grief counseling. I passed this advice to one of my closest Sorors and I know it works. At times I feel like I should still take grief counseling for a bit of closure. I still can't go nor drive by the cemetery (I go a total different route).

I dream of my mama all the time. I remember being mad when I first moved to Va because she hadn't come in my dreams for almost a month. But when she did, we acknowledged me being mad. I can say that the dreams certainly make me feel better. It's confirmation that she's always with me.

There were times when I tried to rationalize if I'd feel better had she been sick and died rather than leaving sooo unexpectedly. But death is death is death (I'll have a post on that later). The lesson that I took from my mama's death is forgiveness. I spent sooo many years being mad at her for a choice that she made and never really had a chance to talk about it to move on. Although I've forgiven a lot of people for some f'd up things my biggest challenge is having not forgave my mama. I blame myself because I know at the time she passed I was mature enough to 'have the conversation' and didn't.

5 years later and I won't say it gets easier, but as the song goes everyday with Jesus is sweeter than the day before. I'm not sure how I'll handle other life milestones without her being there but somehow I know I'll manage. To all of my friends/family members that thought about me today I really appreciate it. I keep a lot of feelings/emotions bottled up. Today I tried to avoid the subject in general. I usually won't talk about 'my issues' unless I bring them up. But the words and kind thoughts of others did not go unnoticed.

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