Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Got Kids and Drama? Do Not Apply
In my previous post (Love Is You) I spoke about chatting with a friend from college. As I stated we were compatible and though I’m not a fan of long distant relationships, ya-just-never-know. I didn’t mention to you all then but dude also has a child. So in our quest of getting to know each other on another level, I asked what happened between him and his last chick (not the baby moma). His answer was that she had an issue with the relationship with his baby moma. At that point an alarm went off in my head because I could see how that could also be an issue to me to. So I begin to explain things to him from a ‘single woman who has no kid’s’ point of view. First thing first, the child is NEVER the issue… ever. Some guys try to make it seem as if single women without kids (SWWK) don’t want the man to spend time with their kids, and that’s not it. If you’re not with your child’s mother there needs to be a clear, definite separation. If you’re going to spend time with the child, for me, that does not include frolicking at the home with the child’s mother. I asked him a very direct question: Are you there eating dinner as a family? He gave me an answer but it wasn’t really clear. I went on to reverse the roles and ask how would he feel if I had a child and my child’s father came by to ‘play’ with our child but every now and then he’d eat dinner with us. Not a good look. Let’s just say after we had the conversation from a SWWK point of view he was hot. That was our first ‘spat’ and his got-in-his-feelings. But you know as the saying goes ‘a hit dog will holla’. As I learned more about his previous chick, I learned that she also shared my opinion.
In the past I’ve dated a few men with kids and I can’t categorize them all because some have their ish together in regard to baby moma drama or basically how to handle a new relationship when a child is involved. When I dated High School Musical I knew that we would have issues if we ever got into a relationship. I remember once his child’s mother said she needed $1200 so that she could get their child a new bed (at the time the child was 5). Funny thing is… dude was really pressed to give it to her. Here I am, the chick he ‘claims he wants to be with’ but as soon as I had a logical opinion he got all in his feelings. I swear dudes can be total EMO. I explained to him candidly that if we were married that ish would not fly… at all. No, I’m not saying that you can’t provide for your child financially. What I’m saying is that your child’s mother can’t call out the blue and expect $1200 for a child that already has a bed. Bunk beds don’t even cost that much. I’m almost for certain that his baby momma would have had a new bed if it weren’t for me blocking!!! In retrospect, I’ve dated other guys and there weren’t any issues. The guys as well as the child’s mom were co-parents. Their relationship was done, over, finished and everyone involved knew it.
I hope this post doesn't seem like I'm trying to call out baby moma’s, but like Pam said in one of our many conversations, either party can set the tone of the relationship. Jenae made a great point. I see it all the time where the ‘baby daddy’ will lead the child’s mother on and she believes there is some sort of hope for them becoming a family. Last night on the show Derwin acted as if Jenae was his wife especially when he allowed her to drink from his cup as he grilled while she frolicked around in a bathing suit. The point where he joked on girl Melanie, that was just it. Funny thing is… I don’t remember seeing the child in that scene (maybe I overlooked him).
If you're the 'baby mama' still allowing your child's father to come in and out of you life to 'play house' look in the mirror and tell yourself...I Deserve More. The next time you have to encounter him, let him know how the new 'child centered' relationship will go. Let him know exactly what you'll allow and what you want. Explain that you all's relationship is over, it's time for you both to stop wasting each other's time and move on to people that will truly complete you.
If you're the 'baby daddy' don't continue to play games with your child's mother. Make sure that she's clear that the relationship is over. Let her know that you'll do the best you can at being a great provider and father to your child. If you have a girlfriend explain and show her so that she understands that she is your women.
I'm not saying that I'm totally against men who have kids, but I prefer those that don't. I guess at the end of the day the choice has to be made by both parties that a relationship can be sucessful if both parties work at it. As soon as I see any signs of drama, whether its the child's mother playing games or the dude trying to have 'the best of both worlds' (that's a term Concrete Jungle used) I'm gone!!!