Got Kids and Drama? Do Not Apply

I’m sure that most of Urban America tuned in last night to The Game. Well if not, I did, and just to recap Derwin lied to girl Melanie about his whereabouts; while all the time he was playing house with Janelle. Yep, basically that’s it, because the rest of the show to me was a bit irrelevant. But last night’s episode had me thinking about why some single women (without kids) choose to date single men (without kids). Looking at this from The Game's perspective, Derwin was all wrong from the start. In regard to his past with previous women, he should have had the baby tested himself, even if it was for his wife’s peace of mind. If you guys are true fans like me, then you remember the chick that wanted to trick him into pregnancy with the turkey baester. What happened last night was a prime example why I prefer to date men without kids.

In my previous post (Love Is You) I spoke about chatting with a friend from college. As I stated we were compatible and though I’m not a fan of long distant relationships, ya-just-never-know. I didn’t mention to you all then but dude also has a child. So in our quest of getting to know each other on another level, I asked what happened between him and his last chick (not the baby moma). His answer was that she had an issue with the relationship with his baby moma. At that point an alarm went off in my head because I could see how that could also be an issue to me to. So I begin to explain things to him from a ‘single woman who has no kid’s’ point of view. First thing first, the child is NEVER the issue… ever. Some guys try to make it seem as if single women without kids (SWWK) don’t want the man to spend time with their kids, and that’s not it. If you’re not with your child’s mother there needs to be a clear, definite separation. If you’re going to spend time with the child, for me, that does not include frolicking at the home with the child’s mother. I asked him a very direct question: Are you there eating dinner as a family? He gave me an answer but it wasn’t really clear. I went on to reverse the roles and ask how would he feel if I had a child and my child’s father came by to ‘play’ with our child but every now and then he’d eat dinner with us. Not a good look. Let’s just say after we had the conversation from a SWWK point of view he was hot. That was our first ‘spat’ and his got-in-his-feelings. But you know as the saying goes ‘a hit dog will holla’. As I learned more about his previous chick, I learned that she also shared my opinion.

In the past I’ve dated a few men with kids and I can’t categorize them all because some have their ish together in regard to baby moma drama or basically how to handle a new relationship when a child is involved. When I dated High School Musical I knew that we would have issues if we ever got into a relationship. I remember once his child’s mother said she needed $1200 so that she could get their child a new bed (at the time the child was 5). Funny thing is… dude was really pressed to give it to her. Here I am, the chick he ‘claims he wants to be with’ but as soon as I had a logical opinion he got all in his feelings. I swear dudes can be total EMO. I explained to him candidly that if we were married that ish would not fly… at all. No, I’m not saying that you can’t provide for your child financially. What I’m saying is that your child’s mother can’t call out the blue and expect $1200 for a child that already has a bed. Bunk beds don’t even cost that much. I’m almost for certain that his baby momma would have had a new bed if it weren’t for me blocking!!! In retrospect, I’ve dated other guys and there weren’t any issues. The guys as well as the child’s mom were co-parents. Their relationship was done, over, finished and everyone involved knew it.

I hope this post doesn't seem like I'm trying to call out baby moma’s, but like Pam said in one of our many conversations, either party can set the tone of the relationship. Jenae made a great point. I see it all the time where the ‘baby daddy’ will lead the child’s mother on and she believes there is some sort of hope for them becoming a family. Last night on the show Derwin acted as if Jenae was his wife especially when he allowed her to drink from his cup as he grilled while she frolicked around in a bathing suit. The point where he joked on girl Melanie, that was just it. Funny thing is… I don’t remember seeing the child in that scene (maybe I overlooked him).

If you're the 'baby mama' still allowing your child's father to come in and out of you life to 'play house' look in the mirror and tell yourself...I Deserve More. The next time you have to encounter him, let him know how the new 'child centered' relationship will go. Let him know exactly what you'll allow and what you want. Explain that you all's relationship is over, it's time for you both to stop wasting each other's time and move on to people that will truly complete you.

If you're the 'baby daddy' don't continue to play games with your child's mother. Make sure that she's clear that the relationship is over. Let her know that you'll do the best you can at being a great provider and father to your child. If you have a girlfriend explain and show her so that she understands that she is your women.

I'm not saying that I'm totally against men who have kids, but I prefer those that don't. I guess at the end of the day the choice has to be made by both parties that a relationship can be sucessful if both parties work at it. As soon as I see any signs of drama, whether its the child's mother playing games or the dude trying to have 'the best of both worlds' (that's a term Concrete Jungle used) I'm gone!!!

Am I THAT chick before THE chick?

So last night I found out that Mr. Y is getting married and I actually found out by DoubleTrouble (I’ll tell ya about him later). I don’t know how I felt about it, but in retrospect I was getting signs all along that maybe that was about to happen. Once again I don’t know how I feel. I had that feeling like I wanted to cry or make myself cry but really why? I think that the thing that got to me the most is that I feel like that chick your with before the chick that you end up marrying. Yep that really got to me. If you read my tis the season post then you probably pick up that I know/knew Mr. Y isn’t for me but damn, what/who is?

It is really funny how I’m beginning to open up about my personal experiences especially relationships. I started this blog as a way to cope with moving to a different city and it became an outlet of some sort to me. But really I’m very private, especially when it comes to relationships. And when it comes to Mr. Y, he’s totally off subject. Even when I found out last night I was reluctant to even mention it to my BFF. I ended up text’n her and she asked if I wanted to talk (that’s major because she has a newborn and we don’t have weekly phone dates anymore). Of course I said no and pushed my feelings to the area where it will only be brought up if I do it (hint, hint… don’t-ask-won’t-tell).

So you may be assuming that I'm making a big deal and this may be the first time that its happened. But no, case in point:
 
- Mr. YY- started dating a chick and became engaged to her
-Boy Next Door- got this chick preggars (after we made a 'no pregnancy' pact, maybe lame), sometime after the baby they got married 
I kinda just ended there but I could go on, LoL!!!

My friend put it into perspective tonight as I was telling her. I basically prepped him and he married the
next chick. But then again, did I really prep him? After telling my cousin, it became more evident and clear. He was not the one for me and I am not the one for him. If we just 'kicked' it in October and now he's engaged I think its safe to assume that he cheated on his fiance. And really, would I want to be with a guy, marry him (he's cheated and will continue to cheat) for the sake of saying I'm married. No deal. I just think the part that gets to me is not being given the chance.  Or asked the question. Or been held in that regard of love. *sigh*
 
I have no clue who the chick is, what she looks like nothing; and I'd like to keep it that way. I'm not into the let-me-see-what-she-looks-like-I-look-better. No need to compare or anything because to me I'm ONLY in competition with myself and that's in regard to ANY chick. Funny thing is, out of all my ex's that have done me wrong I continue to pray for them. My prayer is that they can be the man God wants them to be. Honestly,every guy that has done me wrong has come back and apologized, and I'm certain he won't be different (just not sure when, LoL). Looking at how things that have happened to and for me, I know that whatever God has for me. it's for me. I'll get what's suppossed to be mine exactly when He's ready. So maybe, its not me actually prepping dudes to marry another; but God prepping me for the type of love he speaks about in 1 Corinthians. #Realtalk I do have a lot to learn in regard to those verses especially patience!!!

Tis the Season (to let go)

It's very rare that I write about relationships on my blog... if ever. I know I may seem like an open book since I blog and make YouTube videos. In retrospect, if you follow me on twitter then I'm a bit open when it comes to dating and the like.

As of now... I've given up dating *sigh*. Yep, no lie. I'm even considering being celibate for the entire 2011. Let's just say... guys get on my nerves!!! However, that doesn't mean that I'm turning to women LoL!!! Since I've been kinda open on twitter I may as well give a thorough recap of my 2010 dating in regard to dating. Here goes...

*High School Musical*

This dude I actually have much LOVE for and decided to give it another try. However, he's in the music industry and I feel like the him I used to know wasn't anymore. I'm definitely sure he could say the same. This 'situation' helped me to fully understand why I prefer not to date guys with a child/children (I'll go into that another day). DISCLAIMER- God has a sense of humor and I just may end up with someone who has a child/children (side eye). I digressed. Long story short, I think he was/is used to chick's flocking to him cause they think his money is long. For me, there was attraction, but just not all the way nor all the time. At the end he stated that I placed him in 'the friend zone' and that's not where he wanted to be. SN: blog about 'friend zone' will be posted soon. Anyways, since he and I have been connected for over 10 years, I know our cycle (so does he). Basically, we stopped talking, he was angry... I wasn't (remember I'm cognitive of the cycle). We recently met up at an event. Who knows what the future holds but right now ummmnn... I'mma have to pass #DUECES

*Booskie (I HATE that word and can't believe I'm using it)*

Met dude on a review site (if you're reading, hi). It's funny how God places people in your life at exactly the right time. I had recently stopped talking to Mr. Y (you'll learn of him later) and really didn't want to be alone for V-day. Booskie actually asked me out for V-day and we had a good time. He also had a child, but this was new and I knew nothing would come from it sooo it didn't matter. We only went out that one time because he had a terrible case of Bitchassness and a little controlling (he's not American, so I think his culture/upbringing played a part). He and I IM from time to time but... it's nothing and want be anything #DUECES

*Mr. YY*

This dude was my EVERYTHING in college and I thought we'd be together forever, however, life happened and that wasn't the case. On Thanksgiving last year I got a little liquid courage and sent him a message on FB. Ever since we'd broken up I always dreamt about him. I have no clue why because I was in a relationship; but I felt something wasn't right with him. The dreams were random in content yet frequent. We chatted a bit and he told me some things he'd never expressed about me as well as his 'rocky' relationship. However, that 'situation' was over before Christmas. The reason why he's on this list here is because he contacted me this year and we started chatting it up again and chilling on Skype. We planned to meet up but things didn't g as planned. That was actually kool because once again, he wasn't the person that I used to love and I'm sure I wasn't neither. When I see his name and number in my phone I shake my head. I can't lie, it felt real good to know that I had the upper hand in the situation; but it really was a been-there-done-that type of situation. If anything would have popped off, it would have only been about 3 letters and that's it (real talk). Basically... #DUECES

*Caucasian Persuasion*

New dude in town. We met because of business. We went out but I wasn't really attracted... too short. However, he was/is very nice and has awesome goals for his life. He ultimately wanted to be a provider for his family and he worked hard. But he wasn't for me... #DUECES

* Mr. Y*

He's probably the real reason I haven't been in a relationship. I've allowed him to come and go as if I'm running a 24 hour diner with a revolving door. But as the saying goes... when you learn better, you do better. Since I've learned, we'll end the piece on his a** right now. He deserves no words, no emotions, and definitely no shoulda-woulda-coulda... #DUECES

*Smoke One*

First dude I was crushing at the 40. Some kinda way we were at a party and was able to talk and eventually chill. Dude had recently ended a long-term relationship. Although he engaged in the medicinal, I was FN attracted to his mind. Yes, even my vain a** can recognize real. Conversation was deep on another level. Thinking about his kisses are surreal (TMI). Anyways, he was fresh out of his relationship so I know how that goes... I-hate-you-but-I-love-you.I guess timing is everything. We don't speak or anything in passing (sigh). I'm still VERY attracted to him but oh well... #DUECES

By this point (mid-year), I kinda chilled but really wanted to get back on the dating scene... so I decided to join match.com. At first I battled with myself because I didn't want to pay. The ego in me was like 'you ain't hard up for no dude to pay $34 a month' (LoL). I wanted to date and wasn't actually doing so by sitting in the house and not out meeting people, sooo... why not.

*Umbrella*

This was the first guy I met on match. He has his stuff together and had a good idea on how women should be treated and how respect should be shown in a relationship. He also had a child in another state but definitely didn't have baby moma drama. We went out a lot... to the point where I actually paid once (Mr. Y really had we spoiled in that regard). Unfortunately, I started to see a lil Bitchassness in him too. He turned things into issues and tried to 'play' on my words. He may have also had a complex with a woman having her sh*t together and not having to ask /depend on the dude she's chilling with. All we did was date and I had to hit him with my classic move... stop calling. I will say out of all the guys (besides Smoke One) he had the best outlook on what a real relationship should consist of (just not sure if he'd put into practice all the way).On a vain note, I couldn't get over the fact that he spoke without opening his mouth. It was like his teeth were cemented together. So you know there wasn't a kiss in sight!!! Funny thing is... dude text'd me trying to get back in last week. All I could think was... #DUECES

*Classified*

Dude and I had one thing in common and I really think it was one thing; we are from the South. He made several dumb comments, to even think he had a high ranking position. Dude said he hadn't had a girlfriend in 10 years. Puzzling thing was, we were both 28. Any chick that has a 10% hope of getting married knows that sh*t ain't right. We went out and he obviously lied on his profile. Dude was shorter than me, granted I had on heels, but damn!!! If you know me you'd know I'd LOVE for my guys to have football bodies. Tall & Thick, LoL. Let's just say... he wasn't any of that. He also had the Napoleon complex. He picked me up when he hugged me and I HATE being picked up. I guess he felt he should have done that since I ended our 1st and only date with 'thanks shawty'. That date showed that it was over for me, but he kept and continues to try to go out with me (he text'd last week). I'll be more mature the next time he text's and respond with... #DUECES

*Sweet Dreams, Beautiful Nightmare*

Thought this dude may have been the one I'd get into a relationship with. He was a year older, no kids, govt. job, family oriented, attended church (so I thought). The only dude besides Mr.Y to hit a home run LoL. Let's just say dude was a classic case of 'a moma's boy, woe is me, and I used to'. He didn't have his priorities together at all. There were things that I noticed but overlooked because I really wanted to be over Mr.Y. Plus, my friends thought I was too critical sooo... I gave him a chance or chances LoL. This dude had the worse case of Bitchassness and was basically drunk off breast milk, because little did he know... I was not that chick. He got an attitude with me for the last time and I at that point, I mean instantly, it was o-v-e-r. He tried... wanted to talk, go out to eat, take me to the OMG tour, but sh*t he lost one!!! Shirt and I was out last week and who comes in the restaurant with a chick. No biggie for me cause I was done. Needless to say we just laughed at them. He actually came to the table to explain that she was just a friend. I was like that's kool. He was like 'you just don't care' and actually... I didn't #DUECES

*Concrete Jungle A.K.A My #1 Fan B.K.A Liar Liar*

Many of you guys wanted to know about him because I referred to him plenty of times on my YouTube channel. Out of all of the guys this year I thought I could relate to him the most. Not 100% sure that he should be on the list since we didn't actually date per se... but he's definitely relevant. We actually met 3 years ago, not sure why he remained in the 'friend zone' because we were very compatible. Long story short, he got a FB at the start of the year and I was like FB ruins relationships. I went to his page and continued to see this chick, I didn't question her until much later. When I did, there was no answer; sometimes the silence lets you know. Needless to say he was talking to this chick that lived out my way, even coming to see the chick and not me (yep that's right). We spoke 2 weeks ago and he was straight lying for 3 years over some stupid sh*t. I can't lie... I was, am, and is beyond hurt. I'm at a place of no return. I lost ALL respect as a person for him (really on some friend sh*t). I am sooo happy that what goes around comes around, and I know he'll get his. I can't lie I'm secretly laughing on the inside (insert Austin Powers laugh). Dude actually text'd me today cause he was the one that put me on to Macy's. I replied 'that's nice, lose my number'. If you're reading this... here's a big F U #DUECES

Lessons Learned in A Minor

*After people show you who they are (character wise) 2 and 3 times, then let that sh*t go!!!

*Some people along with their memories, should remain in the past. They're not in your future for a reason!!!

*Dating guys from different countries doesn't work for me #justsayn!!!

*Don't date anyone from the 40... EVER!!!