Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Got Kids and Drama? Do Not Apply

I’m sure that most of Urban America tuned in last night to The Game. Well if not, I did, and just to recap Derwin lied to girl Melanie about his whereabouts; while all the time he was playing house with Janelle. Yep, basically that’s it, because the rest of the show to me was a bit irrelevant. But last night’s episode had me thinking about why some single women (without kids) choose to date single men (without kids). Looking at this from The Game's perspective, Derwin was all wrong from the start. In regard to his past with previous women, he should have had the baby tested himself, even if it was for his wife’s peace of mind. If you guys are true fans like me, then you remember the chick that wanted to trick him into pregnancy with the turkey baester. What happened last night was a prime example why I prefer to date men without kids.

In my previous post (Love Is You) I spoke about chatting with a friend from college. As I stated we were compatible and though I’m not a fan of long distant relationships, ya-just-never-know. I didn’t mention to you all then but dude also has a child. So in our quest of getting to know each other on another level, I asked what happened between him and his last chick (not the baby moma). His answer was that she had an issue with the relationship with his baby moma. At that point an alarm went off in my head because I could see how that could also be an issue to me to. So I begin to explain things to him from a ‘single woman who has no kid’s’ point of view. First thing first, the child is NEVER the issue… ever. Some guys try to make it seem as if single women without kids (SWWK) don’t want the man to spend time with their kids, and that’s not it. If you’re not with your child’s mother there needs to be a clear, definite separation. If you’re going to spend time with the child, for me, that does not include frolicking at the home with the child’s mother. I asked him a very direct question: Are you there eating dinner as a family? He gave me an answer but it wasn’t really clear. I went on to reverse the roles and ask how would he feel if I had a child and my child’s father came by to ‘play’ with our child but every now and then he’d eat dinner with us. Not a good look. Let’s just say after we had the conversation from a SWWK point of view he was hot. That was our first ‘spat’ and his got-in-his-feelings. But you know as the saying goes ‘a hit dog will holla’. As I learned more about his previous chick, I learned that she also shared my opinion.

In the past I’ve dated a few men with kids and I can’t categorize them all because some have their ish together in regard to baby moma drama or basically how to handle a new relationship when a child is involved. When I dated High School Musical I knew that we would have issues if we ever got into a relationship. I remember once his child’s mother said she needed $1200 so that she could get their child a new bed (at the time the child was 5). Funny thing is… dude was really pressed to give it to her. Here I am, the chick he ‘claims he wants to be with’ but as soon as I had a logical opinion he got all in his feelings. I swear dudes can be total EMO. I explained to him candidly that if we were married that ish would not fly… at all. No, I’m not saying that you can’t provide for your child financially. What I’m saying is that your child’s mother can’t call out the blue and expect $1200 for a child that already has a bed. Bunk beds don’t even cost that much. I’m almost for certain that his baby momma would have had a new bed if it weren’t for me blocking!!! In retrospect, I’ve dated other guys and there weren’t any issues. The guys as well as the child’s mom were co-parents. Their relationship was done, over, finished and everyone involved knew it.

I hope this post doesn't seem like I'm trying to call out baby moma’s, but like Pam said in one of our many conversations, either party can set the tone of the relationship. Jenae made a great point. I see it all the time where the ‘baby daddy’ will lead the child’s mother on and she believes there is some sort of hope for them becoming a family. Last night on the show Derwin acted as if Jenae was his wife especially when he allowed her to drink from his cup as he grilled while she frolicked around in a bathing suit. The point where he joked on girl Melanie, that was just it. Funny thing is… I don’t remember seeing the child in that scene (maybe I overlooked him).

If you're the 'baby mama' still allowing your child's father to come in and out of you life to 'play house' look in the mirror and tell yourself...I Deserve More. The next time you have to encounter him, let him know how the new 'child centered' relationship will go. Let him know exactly what you'll allow and what you want. Explain that you all's relationship is over, it's time for you both to stop wasting each other's time and move on to people that will truly complete you.

If you're the 'baby daddy' don't continue to play games with your child's mother. Make sure that she's clear that the relationship is over. Let her know that you'll do the best you can at being a great provider and father to your child. If you have a girlfriend explain and show her so that she understands that she is your women.

I'm not saying that I'm totally against men who have kids, but I prefer those that don't. I guess at the end of the day the choice has to be made by both parties that a relationship can be sucessful if both parties work at it. As soon as I see any signs of drama, whether its the child's mother playing games or the dude trying to have 'the best of both worlds' (that's a term Concrete Jungle used) I'm gone!!!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Ring didn't Mean a Thing... Or did It?

This month I really wanted to focus on things surrounding love and as you see with my previous post, I get a little side tracked so to speak. But I just let-HIM-use-me, LoL!!!. When I first moved to Virginia most of the European people I knew wore these rings. They had two hands holding a heart, very different, yet cute. Even a gay manager of mine wore his with pride and eventually told me the meaning. The ring that I'm speaking of is a Claddagh ring and below you can read exactly what it means (taken from Wikipedia).
The Claddagh's distinctive design features two hands clasping a heart, and usually surmounted by a crown. The elements of this symbol are often said to correspond to the qualities oflove (the heart), friendship (the hands), and loyalty (the crown).
Claddagh rings may be used as friendship, relationship, eternity, engagement, or wedding rings depending on the intention of wearer and, in the case of a gift, of the giver. There are three traditionally accepted ways of wearing the ring which may signal someone's relationship status:[1]
1. When worn on the right ring finger with the heart pointing to the fingertip, the wearer is free of any attachment.
2. On the same finger with the ring turned around, it suggests someone is romantically involved.
3. When the ring is on the left hand wedding ring finger it means the person is married or engaged

When I saw the ring in Avon for $19.99 I knew that meant it was time to buy. Plus another kool point is that the ring is sterling silver. Unfortunately the ring was on sale 2 weeks ago and once I got mine the new book shows the price higher. Let me know if I put you on to that new new or if its a style that you're currently rocking!!!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Things Learned While in Virginia: Friendship

For a while I've been contemplating starting a series about things I've learned in Virginia. Plus, since I'm flirting with the fact of relocating, all the more reason. If you're an avid reader of my blog, then you know that the transition here in the beginning was not easy for me. EVERYTHING was different, as if I should have expected anything less. I wanted to pick a certain day of the week to post this particular subject, but I'm random and really hate restrictions (within reason). So I'll just post randomly... you know... when I get that feeling. Tonight... I have that feeling.

I guess the first lesson that I learned was a course in friendship. There's no need of looking for friendship when true friendship isn't loss, yet can ALWAYS be found (yep I think you all better put quotations over that one, I said it, all my words).

In regard to this post, I think its very relevant to tell you about my BFF's. My first is Tasha, we've been friends since 9th grade (yep over 14years #gettinggrown). Although I can count the amount of times we've actually hung together outside of school on my hand, we are completely in sync. What I LOVE the most about my friend is she's NON-JUDGEMENTAL. She's seen it all and been through a lot, yet she still remains to be level-headed and open minded. I can tell her anything without reservations and know that she will always have my back. My second best friend is Shemeka. We met our freshman year of college and were roommates for about 3 years. Shemeka is a challenger. She makes you want to do the right thing at ALL times. She's no angel, but ALWAYS wants you to be your BEST you and ALWAYS give 100%. This is my friend that will call me out on BS. She's made me examine myself and actually recognize my flaws (and do something about it).

A special mention goes to my cousin Pam, who's also my friend. She's usually my go-to-person. Since she's older, she has great advice and see's things from a totally different perspective. It's funny that we met after my mom died and we instantly clicked. She will totally give it to me how it T-I-S, no preservatives, yet plenty of additives.

So back to my lesson learned. When I moved here almost 4 years ago I had two friends that were here already. One chick I was friends with from high-school and the other from college. Strange thing is, I introduced them and I guess they became BFF's afterwards and little ole me was out of the picture.  What-had-happened-was (long story short) my college friend invited me to her church and we took a day trip to NY. Somewhere on the subway, the three of us begin to sing a harmonious melody lol. Next day at church it was brought to the pastor's attention. At that point we were called out (which I hate because I'm seriously shy when it comes to singing) and we performed Tonight by Excape impromptu in front of the congregation (yes, I had a problem with this). After that everyone was encouraging us to sing at some program they had next and deep down on the inside I didn't want to do it. However, that day they came to my place and we practiced a few songs. That was the first and only day we practiced, not another. So the Saturday before the program there was to be another practice but ya girl (yep me) had a datey date, and couldn't make it. I felt like since I didn't make it to their second practice and had no clue what they were singing I would not be a part. Needless to say I didn't attend church the following Sunday and after that the next events begin to spiral downhill. I would call my college friend and she wouldn't answer. Then I'd call my high-school friend and asked if she'd talked to her and she'd say yeah girl I just got off the phone with her or tell me something minor in regard to their conversation. This happened several times before I was just like enough is enough and the shit-hit-the-fan.  Now, my BFF Shemeka usually won't side with me or tell me to give something another try before I write it off. After hearing several stories about what happened she was like naw dog that's wrong and sided with me. That's when I knew it was right and that the friendship couldn't be resolved. But oh ye of little faith... I actually sent out an e-mail trying to resolve whatever issues we had (college friend and I) although I didn't know exactly what they were. I wanted to talk to college friend one on one but when she came over who did she bring... yep high-school friend. They tried to hit me with the ole okie doke. Long story short we ended with her inviting me to a Kappa party within a few weeks, but the harsh reality is, that was the last time she spoke to me. I still attend the church and I see her and her daughter and I still speak to her child but the mother has yet to say a mumbling word. As far as high-school friend, there are some people that are people pleasers, I do not fit into that category, yet, I think its safe to say she does. I've even tried to make amends with her and we would plan on hanging out (especially since 'our' friendship was the foundation of their's) but whenever the time came around, her roommate's child always had a birthday party (there have been so many birthday parties I'm not sure how many kids the said roommate has). However, we're cordial, you can find her commenting or liking a many of my FB statuses but I would NOT classify her as a friend, just merely an associate (for lack of a better word).  So my first year in Va was hell!!! I hung out with no one and tried to find other avenues to channel my creativity such as this blog. I educated myself on all of the BEST places to shop (and get a deal). And I learned a lot of GREAT restaurants because of the numerous dates I've had. The hardest thing was trying to find a hair stylist without having that word of mouth confirmation.

With each of my BFF's so far we've been lucky to have only one altercation (verbally of course). And each time it was because of miscommunication. I also think that it was God just strengthening our bond so that if the time ever presented itself where we needed to lean on the other, we were only a shoulder away (plus a lot of frequent flier miles, LoL).

I blog and make YT videos so often I'm privileged to meet new people and sometimes we hang out a few times or several times. But if I allow someone into my personal space, my inner circle (where the weave of fabulous begins to unravel, LoL), I think that you have attributes and qualities of a good, true, loyal friend. Pam and I were talking a couple days ago about a women's conference she attended. She said that the speaker said that your friend should be able to tell you what they like/love about you and what area's could you improve upon (Pam if I'm wrong correct me). That question/statement is sooo deep especially if you've encountered friends that discard a friendship easily when their feelings are unintentionally hurt.

After my mom's death my outlook on life and especially forgiveness became so different. We only have a few days on earth that God allows us to take residence, rather than lose a friend over nothing, make the most of it. I can only imagine the hurt and pain that my mom's friends experienced after her death or the hurt and pain my Grandma experienced after losing her best friend. To have something happen to my friend(s), after not accepting an apology, or sweating the 'small stuff' is just ludacrist to me. At the end of the day we are all human and make mistakes, we just have to know how to right the wrong.

With that being said, I've learned to value friendship. Friendships, as does relationships, have their cycles. Ships (friend/relation) have to be constantly worked upon if they are to sail life's treacherous sea's. Once you pull back or give up you're bound to sink.

To my tried and true friends, the one's who know how to accept me for me, call me out when-you-think- I-think my sh*t don't stank, the one's that can just say my name with a slight variation of tone and I understand that an IA (instant attitude) adjustment is needed... THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND!!!